So I'm sitting here in my room on my iPod touch. This sucker ROCKS! I freaking love it! Where have you been all my life?
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So this video pretty much made my entire life.
It's absolutely AMAZING. No. It's supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
Hah. Enjoy.
"I'll flip your mattress."
Travis and I are going to Walmart today.
We might even go to Home Depot and look at SVATCHES (aka swatches).
Travis and I are going backpacking through IKEA. Amy Werner is coming.
She doesn't know this.
So the 6th hour hijinx have truly been abundant today.
We have a sub. His name is Mr. Spry. I know.
He's rather...flat, if you will. Facebook quotes to follow.
Rehearsals start today. Should be fun and exciting.
I left my libretto at home again. Crap.
"I'll flip through your swatches."
It's always darkest before the dawn...
That's definitely how it seems anyway.
I've had a horrible day and a half.
That's putting it in the most optimistic of terms.
I'd been crying inside and out for 36 hours.
I couldn't sleep, I'm having a hard time eating.
I hate who I am.
Thanks to my own stupidity.
I had an epiphany in church. How funny...
They led me into a trap and watched me tear myself apart.
And they enjoyed it.
They watched me slowly kill myself, show myself, and watched me bawl.
I don't feel like I can ever talk to these people again.
I don't feel worthy. All that I am is a big, blubbering, bitch, who has nothing to back up what her big mouth blabs.
What a dipshit.
I felt so weak, defenseless, and ugly, it's been an unbearable day and a half.
Until this evening.
I saw Amy Werner, who is truly a woman of wonders.
And I saw Linda Freeze who blew me away with her amazing instrument. Wow.
She gives the best hugs. ^_^
And I smiled a real smile for the first time in two days.
It felt really good.
But my heart still hurts. I think it's officially broken beyond repair.
Way to go, Allie, you screwed yourself again, you dumbass.
- Mood:
Broken but Linda-happy
I'm on the verge of tears.
I have been for a whole day now.
I've cried countless times.
And I can't stop it.
My heart hurts. Really.
It feels like there is a hole in my chest, and nothing is going to fill that hole.
Here come the tears.
There is no one around to stop them now.
No one here to care.
No one to hold me and tell me it will be alright.
I'm alone and broken.
No one can fix this.
No one can even try.
The tears are streaming now.
And I don't think I can stop.
I don't want to.
I need to cry myself away.
Where no one can find me, or hurt me.
I need to...I don't know.
Leave. Die. Something.
I know I'd be letting all of the crap win, but damnit I can't handle this.
This hurt is the worst I've ever felt.
Nothing can take this away.
Nothing ever will.
My life is apathy now.
There is no flavor, no emotion, only sadness and cold.
I hate this world.,
I want to leave.
I want to feel loved again.
I know I never will.
The hope is offically gone.
And the tears will fall forever more.
- Mood:
crushed
The day began in a bottle.
My mom comes storming into my room in a rage because it's 6:40 and I have to leave in 10 minutes.
I have to give her my clothes for senior pictures but I have to give her somthing else, my lesson priveledge.
Ok. That's totally not a privelegde. I've earned them, and I need them. I'm talented, but I need to learn more.
That's where lessons come in. Yeah, I love Kim and she's wonderful, and she teaches me and gets me.
That's all a plus. We're close. So WHAT? I'm close with people my age, but that's ok.
What the hell?
I don't even know what to do.
I don't want to tell Kim, because she'll be upset.
I don't know what to do.
You know what, well, that's totally NOT FINE.
I hate allergies.
They really bother me. I'm sitting here in 6th hour sniffing my nose off and it's a serious problem.
I have a rumbly in my tumbly.
Growl.
I have powder puff. Boo.
I would really enjoy skipping powder puff. But I can't.
Well, I can, but I can't. You know.
HUNGRY!
Beowulf.
Psych.
Not home until 9.
Ugh. Figures.
LET'S DO THIS!
Finally.
For the first time in almost 2 MONTHS he emailed me.
I was so stinkin' happy.
I almost peed my pants.
It was only a note, but enough to quell my anxiety.
So I was really happy about that.
I think I need to go to Starbucks. Now.
I'm going to work on that.
Let's see...
- Mood:
ecstatic
Seriously, this is the CUTEST woman ever.
We actually had this conversation today.
She said I was cute. I said she was too.
She doubted that. It was funny.
We enjoy emailing at midnight.
Or later...
And she emails me when I AM asleep.
I trust by this point you are long asleep. Sleep well, sweet Allie.
And this is precisely why I love her sooooo much.
We swear (in the context of the song, of course), laugh, learn, and talk soooo much.
She teaches me. We sing.
YAWN SIGHS...
We act. We play.
Lip buzzes.
Oo ee oo ee oo ee oo ee ooo.
Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee. Ugh.
It's the greatest thing ever.
I am so glad that I met her.
I love my sweet Kim!
- Mood:
bouncy - Music:Lip Buzzes...Hee
Well, it's been an interesting day.
I woke up. Took a shower.
Got Panera for Spanish.
Went to jazz band.
Locker Boy observed.
I kicked the crap out of "Stormy Weather."
Went to Chem. Learned some Organic Chem. Booooring.
Went to spanish. Didn't do much. Ate bagels.
Journalism.
- Location:WK
- Mood:
Overwhelmed - Music:Lullabye-Choral Version
I know I always say this.
It's been awhile.
So much has happened that I don't know where to start.
So I won't look back.
I'll just start now.
I'm going with my Grammie to get my nails done.
Then I have to clean my room.
And then we're going out to dinner.
Should be an interesting day.,
We'll see!
And when I think about those things, I that I can do is smile.
And I just can't stop.
But soon, too soon, the smiling will stop.
He is leaving me.
And I am going to miss him dearly.
More than he could ever imagine.
More than I'm sure I even know.
I will soon begin to miss the little things.
The glances, his smile, his laugh.
The color of his eyes.
His ridiculous jokes. The looks he gives me.
But thinking of him will keep me going.
It will keep me going until the next time I see him.
And hopefully it won't be too far away.
Hopefully.
Oh how I love him.
I only wish he loved me too.
That is my only wish.
My only wish.
- Mood:
pensive
Well my dearies, thus far it's been a great weekend. And I'll tell you why:
-I got straight 1s at State S&E.
-BG and I are having a "weekend truce"
+He's so stinking adorable
-I have a call back for Les Mis tomorrow.
-I'm being considered for the roles of Fantine, Eponine, and Madame Thenardier
-I'm going to a surprise birthday party today!
-Everything is right with the world.
-I'm still getting "Unknown" phone calls. One woke me up this morning.
I just can't keep from smiling. And I can't wait to get another call...
- Mood: ecstatic
- Music:Les Mis
I can't handle Joel anymore. Officially.
Wait until I get home and can let it all out...
Just you wait.
And tomorrow shall be wonderful.
I just didn't see the point in ruining everything for my feelings and self esteem.
So I apologized. I told him that I would basically take all of his crap without complaint.
This shall be my cross to bear.
I've given up on the one cause that I felt soooo strongly about.
Typical me.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I tried this time to do something for myself. And as things generally do for me, it blew up in my face.
And it sucks. A lot.
It's just that I'm fed up with his crap that I deal with day in and day out. It's not fair that I should take the blame for everything.
It's always put back on me, and I never say anything. Ever. And now, finally I did. And it's truly beginning to suck.
I guess I don't know anymore. But whatever. Everything solves itself in the end.
I just hope that I can make it there.
6th Hour:
Is really really boring today.
I can't hear, PLUS, we are just dinking around on the comps today in the lab.
It's terribly boring. I mean stocks are only so much fun without Joel.
And I can't hear anything. UGH!
I just did a silly survey for the district. It made me laugh. A lot.
Now I'm just praying for the bell to ring like now.
But it won't. At least not for another 20 minutes.
SHOOT ME IN THE FACE!
- Location:comp lab
- Mood:
annoyed - Music:silence
I don't know how I'm going to do this.
It's tough already.
Trying to explain that I can't hear you to my little brother was like death.
I've tried it twice now.
"You're gunna go to deaf?"
"Can't you just take those off?"
Yes. I am going to go to deaf. And no, I can't take them off.
I guess it's just my cross to bear.
For the next 23 hours anyway.
- Mood: pensive
I know that last post was a little...alarming.
And I'm sorry.
I was angry. And frustrated. And I just needed to say a few things to relax.
Most of it was hot air anyway.
Things are good now.
We had a heart-to-heart.
We are good.
I love that kid. More than he knows.
More than he could ever know.
On a much happier note, I am now and forever addicted to journalism.
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